The night before our last day with L was challenging. We were restless, sad, anxious, and tired. We had to go in the morning to sign papers saying indeed we wanted L and were continuing with the adoption. We verified his name, which we had decided on ahead of time with L's help, and then had time to explore a little in Sofia before they could take us down to our boy.
The waiting was tough. We just wanted to be with him. I had expectations, but I wasn't sure what they were. I don't think any scenario where we had leave him would have been ok. We finally were on our way down to see him, and thankfully were distracted by one of the awesome staff from Vesta on the drive down. We chatted and played games on our phones and tried to keep our mind off what we had to do. My stomach was a different story, there was no distracting it from the anxiousness that was churning inside.
We got to the social worker's office and the plan was set for the day to go to a restaurant and have lunch. We would go to the local field after to play until we had to leave. I was grabbed by V and told that I was walking with her to lunch, while the rest would drive in the car. I had a moment of almost being rude and refusing, but pulled myself together to walk with her. The inside of my heart was screaming that this woman was taking precious time away from spending with my son! I gave Dan a look and he knew that I didn't like it and also that I really didn't have a choice. He fortified me with a nod that gave me some comfort and off we went.
She held my arm and stroked my hand and spoke to me in Bulgarian that I didn't understand. I probably could have tried to figure out what she was saying, but I wasn't in a good place. It was so hard to keep it together when all I wanted was to be with my family! Finally, through me shouting inside my head, I found peace and calm. I was reminded that this woman was giving me a gift and she was probably feeling all sorts of difficult things, but instead of shying away from it, she was diving into it. I started to explain to her in broken Bulgarian how I felt. I told her "nie dobre dovishdine L" (not good goodbye L). She held my arm tighter and comforted me.
We finally made it to the restaurant and settled in for food I didn't taste. We set up L's tablet with email, a chat program, and skype so we could communicate with him when we wanted to. My stomach and heart were churning and I was wasting my time with him feeling crappy! I had to pull it together.
We decided to go back to the field to run around and play soccer. The sick feeling didn't leave me, but I was able to play. Every time L wanted to stop to cuddle, we would. The time was getting shorter and shorter and I could barely keep lunch from coming up.
We drove back to V's house and the translator started to help us say goodbye. I don't remember much of what was said. We solidified how much we loved him and told him we'd be back as soon as we were allowed to be. We held him. We left. It was unimaginable.
Dan and I allowed ourselves a few minutes to break and then we had to pull ourselves together for J and B. We comforted them, talked about what life was going to be like with a new family member and at the end of the drive back to Sofia, we were ready to focus not on the loss we were feeling, but on the joy of preparing our home and our lives for our son.
The waiting was tough. We just wanted to be with him. I had expectations, but I wasn't sure what they were. I don't think any scenario where we had leave him would have been ok. We finally were on our way down to see him, and thankfully were distracted by one of the awesome staff from Vesta on the drive down. We chatted and played games on our phones and tried to keep our mind off what we had to do. My stomach was a different story, there was no distracting it from the anxiousness that was churning inside.
We got to the social worker's office and the plan was set for the day to go to a restaurant and have lunch. We would go to the local field after to play until we had to leave. I was grabbed by V and told that I was walking with her to lunch, while the rest would drive in the car. I had a moment of almost being rude and refusing, but pulled myself together to walk with her. The inside of my heart was screaming that this woman was taking precious time away from spending with my son! I gave Dan a look and he knew that I didn't like it and also that I really didn't have a choice. He fortified me with a nod that gave me some comfort and off we went.
She held my arm and stroked my hand and spoke to me in Bulgarian that I didn't understand. I probably could have tried to figure out what she was saying, but I wasn't in a good place. It was so hard to keep it together when all I wanted was to be with my family! Finally, through me shouting inside my head, I found peace and calm. I was reminded that this woman was giving me a gift and she was probably feeling all sorts of difficult things, but instead of shying away from it, she was diving into it. I started to explain to her in broken Bulgarian how I felt. I told her "nie dobre dovishdine L" (not good goodbye L). She held my arm tighter and comforted me.
We finally made it to the restaurant and settled in for food I didn't taste. We set up L's tablet with email, a chat program, and skype so we could communicate with him when we wanted to. My stomach and heart were churning and I was wasting my time with him feeling crappy! I had to pull it together.
We decided to go back to the field to run around and play soccer. The sick feeling didn't leave me, but I was able to play. Every time L wanted to stop to cuddle, we would. The time was getting shorter and shorter and I could barely keep lunch from coming up.
We drove back to V's house and the translator started to help us say goodbye. I don't remember much of what was said. We solidified how much we loved him and told him we'd be back as soon as we were allowed to be. We held him. We left. It was unimaginable.
Dan and I allowed ourselves a few minutes to break and then we had to pull ourselves together for J and B. We comforted them, talked about what life was going to be like with a new family member and at the end of the drive back to Sofia, we were ready to focus not on the loss we were feeling, but on the joy of preparing our home and our lives for our son.
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